he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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