i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
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I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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