My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
