goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
