you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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