Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
