One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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