Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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