It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
