My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
