pop tarts are not kleenex
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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