I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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