I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The Olympian is in my bed
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
