I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
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I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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