can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.