i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome