Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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