He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
