i wish starbucks made bloody marys
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
