The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
