she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
