I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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