I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
