I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
