My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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