I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
