the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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