I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
