I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
