I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
