I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
