What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
