oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
