So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
