There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
