She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
