I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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