i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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