I heard we made out
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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