he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
