I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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