I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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