She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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