I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
