I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
