moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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