My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
