Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
