This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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