when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
