Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
