C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
