shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
