the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
