dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
