Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just invented taco cereal.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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