I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
