just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
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I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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