tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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