So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
