Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
