i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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